40 Things That Can’t Give You COVID-19*

*as far as we know

(Unwind yourselves, gentlepeople, it’s comedy)

Combining list items 3. and 31. Photo: Matthew Henry
  1. Shakespeare’s sonnets
  2. Danish architecture
  3. Rewatching Dunston Checks In
  4. The Kuiper Belt and associated celestial bodies of the trans-Neptunian region
  5. Baroque music
  6. Remembering the time you used the office printer on your lunch break to print out your resumé so you could apply for a new job and your boss saw you and as you hurried out of the room, you tripped over the carpet, rolled your ankle, fell on your face, and you were humiliated
  7. Raindrops on roses
  8. Weasels Ripped My Flesh, by Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention
  9. Staring at an old Magic Eye book for an hour and a half
  10. All of the characters in Arthurian legend
  11. The following shades in your lipstick collection: Seductress, Harlot, Wench, Hooker, Hussy, Tramp, Lady of the Night, Floozy, Ho, and Ingénue
  12. Calligraphy
  13. Massage therapy courses (online only)
  14. (Most) whiskers on kittens
  15. Lady Chatterley’s Lover, by D.H. Lawrence
  16. Lady Chatterley’s lover, Oliver Mellors
  17. Mistaking a stranger on the street for a close friend and waving at them from afar before realizing it’s not them and then turning the corner immediately
  18. Carp (untouched)
  19. Carpentry (solo)
  20. Carpal tunnel syndrome
  21. Bright copper kettles (if not recently handled by someone else)
  22. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
  23. The inner spark of hope that rises within you when you see videos of people accomplishing incredible feats that makes you think that you, even you, might be able to do something great with your life one day if you just applied yourself
  24. The Mariana Trench
  25. Watching supercuts of John McEnroe throw tennis tantrums in the eighties
  26. Spell checking
  27. Unloading the dryer
  28. Clean thoughts
  29. Dirty thoughts
  30. The Mandalorian
  31. Sitting alone
  32. Cooking alone
  33. Eating alone
  34. Working alone
  35. Watching TV alone
  36. Walking alone
  37. Sleeping alone
  38. Thinking alone
  39. Making lists alone
  40. Warm woollen mittens (if touched by you only)

Writer, musician, sayer of sooth and silly. Völlig losgelöst von der Erde. www.clarewieck.com