40 Things That Can’t Give You COVID-19*
2 min readNov 3, 2020
*as far as we know
(Unwind yourselves, gentlepeople, it’s comedy)
- Shakespeare’s sonnets
- Danish architecture
- Rewatching Dunston Checks In
- The Kuiper Belt and associated celestial bodies of the trans-Neptunian region
- Baroque music
- Remembering the time you used the office printer on your lunch break to print out your resumé so you could apply for a new job and your boss saw you and as you hurried out of the room, you tripped over the carpet, rolled your ankle, fell on your face, and you were humiliated
- Raindrops on roses
- Weasels Ripped My Flesh, by Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention
- Staring at an old Magic Eye book for an hour and a half
- All of the characters in Arthurian legend
- The following shades in your lipstick collection: Seductress, Harlot, Wench, Hooker, Hussy, Tramp, Lady of the Night, Floozy, Ho, and Ingénue
- Calligraphy
- Massage therapy courses (online only)
- (Most) whiskers on kittens
- Lady Chatterley’s Lover, by D.H. Lawrence
- Lady Chatterley’s lover, Oliver Mellors
- Mistaking a stranger on the street for a close friend and waving at them from afar before realizing it’s not them and then turning the corner immediately
- Carp (untouched)
- Carpentry (solo)
- Carpal tunnel syndrome
- Bright copper kettles (if not recently handled by someone else)
- The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
- The inner spark of hope that rises within you when you see videos of people accomplishing incredible feats that makes you think that you, even you, might be able to do something great with your life one day if you just applied yourself
- The Mariana Trench
- Watching supercuts of John McEnroe throw tennis tantrums in the eighties
- Spell checking
- Unloading the dryer
- Clean thoughts
- Dirty thoughts
- The Mandalorian
- Sitting alone
- Cooking alone
- Eating alone
- Working alone
- Watching TV alone
- Walking alone
- Sleeping alone
- Thinking alone
- Making lists alone
- Warm woollen mittens (if touched by you only)
