As we hurtle through the information age shouting, “Let’s do it!” to anything and everything that we can make possible with our COOL TECH, (because who needs ethics when you’re just, like, really curious?) we’ve accomplished some astounding things. My personal favorites so far: the infinite scroll (better to stay…

Take a swig of rum, strap on your lifejacket, and steel yourself for the best guide on how to fool your guests into thinking they’re at sea when they relieve themselves in your home. — 1. Collect some nautically-themed images on Pinterest. One to two thousand should be enough to spark some inspiration. 2. Buy a new house. Your current one doesn’t have a bathroom vast enough to contain your oceanic dreams. …

He was the egg man; now you’re the old egg. — Step 1: Composure Do not physically harm the juvenile. Keep your movements slow and non-threatening. This will calm you as much as it does them (they’ll be shaken after discovering a void in their world knowledge). Step 2: Double-check Ask the teen if they know the song “Imagine.” Sing a couple of bars (accompany with air…

This earnest woman writer is dedicated to her lady-work. — November 4th, 1924 Four o’clock, afternoon Awaken in my bed chambers. Slept on the embroidered part of the pillow again. Right cheek now emblazoned with my monogram. Ghastly. I take my laudanum with a glass of whiskey. …

I am a karaoke subverter and you will adore me for it. You’ve invited me, a professional musician, to your karaoke night – thank you! I’m happy to RSVP “yes” to your invite, not because I love camaraderie and mouthing all over the same mic tip as 300 other people before I’ve ordered my second Mai Tai, but because a point needs…

One and a half out of ten people swear by OmnifiXennial. Are you aged 38-45? Do you suffer from the following?: Espresso Deficiency Midlife Career Ambition Snack Curiosity Binge-watch Eye Pity Party Invitation Declination Bad Therapist Syndrome High School Memory Rumination Unwanted Subscription Renewal Mandatory Team Event Dysphoria Post-Presentation Ego…

Just in case you ever doubted me — Scientific studies have shown that writers read a lot. And I read a ton. Are you calling science a liar? I’ve wanted to write a book for over 15 years now. That’s dedication! I’ve told everyone I know that I’m writing a novel. Who would embarrass themselves by backing out…

Don’t throw it away! Take out that dusty Cotton Eye Joe CD single that’s been in there for 43 years and give your CD rack a new life. — Use it to store toast for a stunning vertical breakfast display unit. Place a large flat surface on top of it for a beautiful dinner table. Attach four little wheels to it and watch it roll! Make a TikTok account for it. Install a glass window over the open side…

Watch your worries evaporate like steam off a freshly baked loaf of sourdough and snuggle into this 12-hour ASMR-inspired winter soundscapes playlist. Tracks include: Lively 1920s New York Café Inside Hogwarts’ Great Hall Cat Purring In Boston Bookstore While Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole Crunch Through Snow in Nearby…