Published in Slackjaw·PinnedDiary Of A 1920s Lady PoetThis earnest woman writer is dedicated to her lady-work. — November 4th, 1924 Four o’clock, afternoon Awaken in my bed chambers. Slept on the embroidered part of the pillow again. Right cheek now emblazoned with my monogram. Ghastly. I take my laudanum with a glass of whiskey. The tincture protects against feminine hysteria and the whiskey dulls the pain in…Funny3 min read
Published in The Belladonna Comedy·Jul 8, 2021Some Phat Things to Do with Your ’90s CD RackDon’t throw it away! Take out that dusty Cotton Eye Joe CD single that’s been in there for 43 years and give your CD rack a new life. — Use it to store toast for a stunning vertical breakfast display unit. Place a large flat surface on top of it for a beautiful dinner table. Attach four little wheels to it and watch it roll! Make a TikTok account for it. Install a glass window over the open side…Comedy2 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Jun 13, 2021How To Bounce Back Into Your Middle-Aged Life After An 18-Year-Old Asks, “Who’s John Lennon?”He was the egg man; now you’re the old egg. — Step 1: Composure Do not physically harm the juvenile. Keep your movements slow and non-threatening. This will calm you as much as it does them (they’ll be shaken after discovering a void in their world knowledge). Step 2: Double-check Ask the teen if they know the song “Imagine.” Sing a couple of bars (accompany with air…Humor4 min read
Jan 4, 2021The Coziest Soundscapes for Escaping Emotional Crises and Existential Dread This JanuaryWatch your worries evaporate like steam off a freshly baked loaf of sourdough and snuggle into this 12-hour ASMR-inspired winter soundscapes playlist. Tracks include: Lively 1920s New York Café Inside Hogwarts’ Great Hall Cat Purring In Boston Bookstore While Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole Crunch Through Snow in Nearby…Comedy2 min read
Dec 17, 2020Gandalf and Saruman Try Nonviolent CommunicationA Man from Gondor offers Middle-earth’s most powerful wizards a progressive alternative to killing each other. As the Dark Lord Sauron’s rising power threatens Middle-earth, Gandalf travels to Isengard to seek Saruman’s advice. The two wizards meet and a heated discussion erupts over whether to join Sauron or fight against…Comedy3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Dec 2, 2020Wet Dream: How To Create The Ultimate Ocean-Themed BathroomTake a swig of rum, strap on your lifejacket, and steel yourself for the best guide on how to fool your guests into thinking they’re at sea when they relieve themselves in your home. — 1. Collect some nautically-themed images on Pinterest. One to two thousand should be enough to spark some inspiration. 2. Buy a new house. Your current one doesn’t have a bathroom vast enough to contain your oceanic dreams. …Humor3 min read
Nov 27, 2020The Apple Photos ‘Year In Review’ Totally Nailed My 2020As we hurtle through the information age shouting, “Let’s do it!” to anything and everything that we can make possible with our COOL TECH, (because who needs ethics when you’re just, like, really curious?) we’ve accomplished some astounding things. My personal favorites so far: the infinite scroll (better to stay…Humor3 min read
Nov 3, 202040 Things That Can’t Give You COVID-19**as far as we know (Unwind yourselves, gentlepeople, it’s comedy) Shakespeare’s sonnets Danish architecture Rewatching Dunston Checks In The Kuiper Belt and associated celestial bodies of the trans-Neptunian region Baroque music Remembering the time you used the office printer on your lunch break to print out your resumé so you…Comedy2 min read
Oct 27, 2020I’ve Limited My Drinking To Weekdays OnlyUnwind yourselves, gentlepeople, it’s comedy. In order to cope with the deluge of pandemic news and worldly horrors that have probably had Stephen King’s pens running out of ink for the past eight months, I’m proud to say that I’m now drinking alcohol from Monday to Friday only! My weekends…Wine2 min read
Oct 23, 2020I Am The Iguana That Interrupted The Miami Open In 2017 And This Is What Really Happened That Day¡Hola humans! This is Jorge. Some of you may know me as the iguana who ran across the tennis court during the Haas vs Vesely match at the Miami Open in 2017. I’ve been laying low since the incident, which admittedly isn’t that physically hard for an iguana, but I…Comedy Writing3 min read
