I am a karaoke subverter and you will adore me for it.
You’ve invited me, a professional musician, to your karaoke night – thank you!
I’m happy to RSVP “yes” to your invite, not because I love camaraderie and mouthing all over the same mic tip as 300 other people before I’ve ordered my second Mai Tai, but because a point needs to be made about how pedestrian mainstream music is these days and how amazing and interesting I am (and always have been).
To prove this point, I’ll be performing tracks from electronic music daddy and techno leviathan, Aphex Twin.
I know what you’re thinking: “You’re out of luck — they don’t even have Aphex Twin at Studio Hyper Lucky Karaoke.”
Correction: They didn’t have Aphex Twin at Studio Hyper Lucky Karaoke.
I took the liberty of requesting a number of Aphex tracks at the club in advance. A modest amount of cash lessened the staff’s resistance to ordering the tunes, and now all the best Aphex Twin bangers are loaded and ready to roll. We’re talking: “Windowlicker”, “Aegispolis”, and “syro u473t8+e [141.98][piezoluminescence mix]”.
So while the booths are packed with normies shouting “Backstreet’s Back”, I’ll be up on the main stage edutaining the public about proper music.
I know your next question: “But there are barely any vocals on Aphex tracks…”
First, that’s a statement.
Second, for the execution of my (free) performance, I’ll be using a selection of items that I’ll spontaneously source at the club on the night for their various sonic textures. I’ll complement these textures with my favourite instrument: the human voice (mine). It’s amazing what you can achieve with a repertoire of cartoon sound effects, supple lips, and perfect pitch.
I’ll show the zoomers that the 90s was about more than Britney and the Friends theme tune. It was also about tinnitus, sub-sub genres, broken computers, and greasy-haired straight white men behaving like absolute geniuses.
Also, it would be great to just get laid for once, so after my performance, the biggest reward will come in the form of phone numbers from all genders who will want to see me again in a more intimate setting. And if a record label talent scout happens to be in the audience and wants me to send them my seven unreleased EPs, that will also be welcome and understandable.
Thanks once again for the invitation — I can’t wait to see you all there for Mel’s hen night! And you can bet your ass I’ll be wearing the tight holographic sequin dress I wore when I did that impromptu Captain Beefheart set at Lara’s baby shower. Let’s go, girls!