I’ve Limited My Drinking To Weekdays Only

Unwind yourselves, gentlepeople, it’s comedy.

I need to work on my pouring technique. Photo: Piotr Makowski

In order to cope with the deluge of pandemic news and worldly horrors that have probably had Stephen King’s pens running out of ink for the past eight months, I’m proud to say that I’m now drinking alcohol from Monday to Friday only!

My weekends are dedicated to laundering sweatpants; attending to my personal hygiene; and pushing my frail and unhappy body to its absolute maximum for seven punishing minutes on my Peloton*. During the week, I enjoy two to five red wines a day, depending on my Twitter feed.

Since committing to this schedule, I’ve felt more carefree, and my boss has even commended me on my more relaxed attitude at work, having witnessed a moderate spiralling in the management of my anger only a few weeks back.

As a bonus, I’ve also been waking up in the mornings donning a sophisticated plum-colored stain on my lips, which has relieved me of the hassle of applying lipstick before I start my Zoom calls.

My new approach, which I call The Thank God It’s Monday Method, is going so well that I’m writing a book about my experience. Some tentative titles include:

Que Syrah Syrah: The Drinking Woman’s Guide to Resignation During Desperate Times;

Merlot and Me, and Merlot again: The Pandemic Diaries; and

Locked Down, Stocked Up, and Two Vintage Barrels (of Wine).

The downsides to my new regimen are almost none, apart from minor thumping headaches, negligible daily gastrointestinal irritation, and a mild yet manageable reduction in self-esteem. I consider those a small price to pay for staying blissfully distant from thinking about whether we will ever exist as a well-functioning society.

*I am not sponsored by, nor am I affiliated with, Peloton Interactive, Inc.