Jeff Bezos Has Discovered How Much A Billion Dollars Is, Says He’s ‘Stressed And Confused’

Unwind yourselves, gentlepeople, it’s parody.

It’s more than this. Photo: Pierre Bamin on Unsplash

In an unusual moment of public candor, Amazon founder and billionaire Jeff Bezos revealed last Sunday that he’d just found out how much a billion dollars is. His 2:21 a.m. tweet read, “I just found out how much a billion dollars is. 😱”

The business titan took a few minutes out of his recently cleared schedule to talk over Zoom about his realization.

Bezos confessed that he’d previously thought a billion was “a made-up number like a zillion or a kajillion” until he came across a viral video of a man painstakingly counting out grains of rice to demonstrate what a billion dollars looks like, particularly as it compares to a million.

“I couldn’t believe it. None of my advisors ever drew a single diagram on a whiteboard to help me visualize the earnings that have been coming in. I just thought I was quite rich, like I could buy nice cars when I wanted.”

The unfathomably well-heeled tycoon said he’s been losing sleep as he comes to terms with his vast fortune.

“I’ve been stressed and confused. I haven’t showered much. Even CNN’s 30 Seconds of Calm doesn’t help,” revealed a depleted Bezos, as he removed his blue light-blocking glasses from his weary face, folded them into the left breast pocket of his silk robe before placing his head in his hands.

When asked about what he intends to do with his newly comprehended wealth, Bezos said he’d already called in a team of financial advisors. “They suggested I could start by raising the wages of every Amazon employee. That’s a really interesting idea, but I’m not sure if it’s the right one.”

Bezos plans to spend the next few weeks in quiet contemplation in sections of his new Beverly Hills estate that he hasn’t visited yet.

“I hope to get some ideas about how to proceed. I have the power to do a lot to change things for the better, but I need to think about it,” said Bezos, before brightening momentarily, “Y’know, it would also just be cool to put all the funds into solving the biggest challenge of our time; space exploration.”

Writer and musician. Sayer of sooth and silly.

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