OmnifiXennial: The Pill For Mature Adult Sadness!

Clare Wieck
1 min readMar 6, 2023

One and a half out of ten people swear by OmnifiXennial.

Credit: Clare Wieck with Midjourney

Are you aged 38-45? Do you suffer from the following?:

Espresso Deficiency

Midlife Career Ambition

Snack Curiosity

Binge-watch Eye

Pity Party Invitation Declination

Bad Therapist Syndrome

High School Memory Rumination

Unwanted Subscription Renewal

Mandatory Team Event Dysphoria

Post-Presentation Ego Deflation

Relationship Responsibility Phobia

Digital Detox Discontinuation Disorder

Unwritten Novel Malaise

Fame Crave (Bitter type)

Fame Crave (Deluded type)

Humanities Degree Lament

Sleep Failure

Tik-Tok Ignorance

Fashion Shame

Marvel Movie Letdown

Generational Miscommunication

Amazon Purchase Guilt

Half-Marathon Incompletion

Apple Device Accumulation Affliction

Personality Questionnaire Obsession

Flirtation Misinterpretation

Doom-scroll Finger

Desk Back

Crocs Regret

Procrastination Procrastination

Well, suffer no more! One daily dose of OmnifiXennial is all it takes to cure* all of the above ailments. Ask your doctor if OmnifiXennial is right for you.

Side effects may include accelerated aging, memory loss, and dysentery. OmnifiXennial increases sun sensitivity by a factor of 180.

Available in suppository only.

*may not cure