Some Phat Things to Do with Your ’90s CD Rack
Don’t throw it away! Take out that dusty Cotton Eye Joe CD single that’s been in there for 43 years and give your CD rack a new life.
Use it to store toast for a stunning vertical breakfast display unit.
Place a large flat surface on top of it for a beautiful dinner table.
Attach four little wheels to it and watch it roll!
Make a TikTok account for it.
Install a glass window over the open side and waterproof it to craft a thin aquarium.
Wait for winter, then put it on someone’s lawn and build a snowman around it for a springtime surprise.
Turn it on its side and contemplate its horizontal aesthetic.
Take it to a city square and talk to it to create a lucrative piece of performance art.
Sell it to your grandparents to organize their excessive Vivaldi CD collection.
Take it to the desert so that the dunes can fold it into the earth in a poignant, days-long burial ceremony.
Get Elon Musk to shoot it into space to accompany the Tesla on its terrifying orbit.
Put a wig on it to create a loyal friend and a fantastic listener.
Offer it to a museum.
Step back for a minute and look at it properly.
…OK, this might not be a CD rack.
It feels cold to the touch.
Do an image search to find out what this thing is.
The results are just fringe websites about extraterrestrials.
It’s some kind of obelisk.
The CD slots look like small alien ribs.
The obelisk has been in your attic since 1995.
Mom told you to put it up there because it made her feel “odd.”
It’s now emitting a low, haunting frequency.
It’s been a tiring day of clearing out your things.
Take out the toast and use the obelisk to store your old CDs.
Clare Wieck is a writer, coppyeditEr, and solo musician based in Berlin. Dave Gahan kissed her on the cheek in 2017 and she hasn’t showered since, which sadly but appropriately led to her being banned from working in an office with other people. She occasionally tweets under @ClareWieck.
