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Clare Wieck
Clare Wieck

119 Followers

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Published in

The Belladonna Comedy

·Pinned

A Ruthlessly Calming Meditation to Annihilate Your Stress

Absolutely dominate your well-being with this visualization. — Stress is destroying your life, but only because you’re a sad little doormat. (And not one of those marine-grade polypropylene rope doormats that last for decades. We’re talking one of those old worn out doormats made of .2 …

Comedy

2 min read

A Ruthlessly Calming Meditation to Annihilate Your Stress
A Ruthlessly Calming Meditation to Annihilate Your Stress
Comedy

2 min read


Pinned

The Apple Photos ‘Year In Review’ Totally Nailed My 2020

As we hurtle through the information age shouting, “Let’s do it!” to anything and everything that we can make possible with our COOL TECH, (because who needs ethics when you’re just, like, really curious?) we’ve accomplished some astounding things. My personal favorites so far: the infinite scroll (better to stay…

Humor

3 min read

The Apple Photos ‘Year In Review’ Totally Nailed My 2020
The Apple Photos ‘Year In Review’ Totally Nailed My 2020
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Pinned

Wet Dream: How To Create The Ultimate Ocean-Themed Bathroom

Take a swig of rum, strap on your lifejacket, and steel yourself for the best guide on how to fool your guests into thinking they’re at sea when they relieve themselves in your home. — 1. Collect some nautically-themed images on Pinterest. One to two thousand should be enough to spark some inspiration. 2. Buy a new house. Your current one doesn’t have a bathroom vast enough to contain your oceanic dreams. …

Humor

3 min read

Wet Dream: How To Create The Ultimate Ocean-Themed Bathroom
Wet Dream: How To Create The Ultimate Ocean-Themed Bathroom
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Pinned

How To Bounce Back Into Your Middle-Aged Life After An 18-Year-Old Asks, “Who’s John Lennon?”

He was the egg man; now you’re the old egg. — Step 1: Composure Do not physically harm the juvenile. Keep your movements slow and non-threatening. This will calm you as much as it does them (they’ll be shaken after discovering a void in their world knowledge). Step 2: Double-check Ask the teen if they know the song “Imagine.” Sing a couple of bars (accompany with air…

Humor

4 min read

How To Bounce Back Into Your Middle-Aged Life After An 18-Year-Old Asks, “Who’s John Lennon?”
How To Bounce Back Into Your Middle-Aged Life After An 18-Year-Old Asks, “Who’s John Lennon?”
Humor

4 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Pinned

Diary Of A 1920s Lady Poet

This earnest woman writer is dedicated to her lady-work. — November 4th, 1924 Four o’clock, afternoon Awaken in my bed chambers. Slept on the embroidered part of the pillow again. Right cheek now emblazoned with my monogram. Ghastly. I take my laudanum with a glass of whiskey. …

Funny

3 min read

Diary Of A 1920s Lady Poet
Diary Of A 1920s Lady Poet
Funny

3 min read


May 25

I Shall Be Singing Aphex Twin at Karaoke Tonight

I am a karaoke subverter and you will adore me for it. You’ve invited me, a professional musician, to your karaoke night – thank you! I’m happy to RSVP “yes” to your invite, not because I love camaraderie and mouthing all over the same mic tip as 300 other people before I’ve ordered my second Mai Tai, but because a point needs…

Funny

3 min read

I Shall Be Singing Aphex Twin at Karaoke Tonight
I Shall Be Singing Aphex Twin at Karaoke Tonight
Funny

3 min read


Mar 6

OmnifiXennial: The Pill For Mature Adult Sadness!

One and a half out of ten people swear by OmnifiXennial. Are you aged 38-45? Do you suffer from the following?: Espresso Deficiency Midlife Career Ambition Snack Curiosity Binge-watch Eye Pity Party Invitation Declination Bad Therapist Syndrome High School Memory Rumination Unwanted Subscription Renewal Mandatory Team Event Dysphoria Post-Presentation Ego…

Humor

1 min read

OmnifiXennial: The Pill For Mature Adult Sadness!
OmnifiXennial: The Pill For Mature Adult Sadness!
Humor

1 min read


Sep 6, 2022

Some Hard Facts That Prove I Am Writing A Novel

Just in case you ever doubted me — Scientific studies have shown that writers read a lot. And I read a ton. Are you calling science a liar? I’ve wanted to write a book for over 15 years now. That’s dedication! I’ve told everyone I know that I’m writing a novel. Who would embarrass themselves by backing out…

Novel

2 min read

Some Hard Facts That Prove I Am Writing A Novel
Some Hard Facts That Prove I Am Writing A Novel
Novel

2 min read


Published in

The Belladonna Comedy

·Jul 8, 2021

Some Phat Things to Do with Your ’90s CD Rack

Don’t throw it away! Take out that dusty Cotton Eye Joe CD single that’s been in there for 43 years and give your CD rack a new life. — Use it to store toast for a stunning vertical breakfast display unit. Place a large flat surface on top of it for a beautiful dinner table. Attach four little wheels to it and watch it roll! Make a TikTok account for it. Install a glass window over the open side…

Comedy

2 min read

Some Phat Things to Do with Your ’90s CD Rack
Some Phat Things to Do with Your ’90s CD Rack
Comedy

2 min read


Jan 4, 2021

The Coziest Soundscapes for Escaping Emotional Crises and Existential Dread This January

Watch your worries evaporate like steam off a freshly baked loaf of sourdough and snuggle into this 12-hour ASMR-inspired winter soundscapes playlist. Tracks include: Lively 1920s New York Café Inside Hogwarts’ Great Hall Cat Purring In Boston Bookstore While Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole Crunch Through Snow in Nearby…

Comedy

2 min read

The Coziest Soundscapes for Escaping Emotional Crises and Existential Dread This January
The Coziest Soundscapes for Escaping Emotional Crises and Existential Dread This January
Comedy

2 min read

Clare Wieck

Clare Wieck

119 Followers
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